Member Posts

Entry tags:

life

DYI

I've been drawing a lot more than usual lately and now my wrist fucking hurts. I have an appointment with the doctor next week. In the mean time I've been using a wrist warmer + pieces of cardboard as a makeshift brace/splint to keep my wrist neutral, and if anyone has stretches or something I could do, I am all ears.

Current Mood: sad

Entry tags:

🌙

Moontime began today. I've got tea, pain relief cream, and some cloth pads as extra backup while I use period underwear.

My well-meaning friend, Sre, messaged me saying that she was sorry if this would bring up any negative feelings for me, but she knew mid-20th-century writers are my jam, and would help me shop for them when she was in my city. She attached a picture, and I didn't process it correctly at first, because it was a shelf full of Persephone Books. I assumed it was a picture from Persephone Books themselves, since they have a store full of shelves of just their books. I thought she was offering to buy one for me and bring it with her when she came here. I told her that she was sweet, and right about them being my jam, and also that after years of being unable to pick up a book without pain related to the bookstore that broke my heart, referred to on this journal as Spinebreaker, it was books like these–Virago green books that were out of print, and Persephone Books which are unavailable in my country, that helped me read again, specifically because I knew Spinebreaker would never be able to stock them. The owner had said that she was trying to bring Persephone Books to her store and wasn't able to get distribution here, and that was a few years ago.

Sre said she didn't know getting them here had been a challenge–and that's when I realise that the picture she had sent me was of Persephone Books stocked in Spinebreaker, and that's when I realise that she didn't know that I didn't clock it.

I've posted here before about moments when I was at risk of relapsing and didn't, and how far I've come and all that. Well... this particular moment is a struggle for me. I've been struggling with sorrow, suffocating waves of them, because... this is a bit like that moment when I visited Spinebreaker for the first time, saw Barbara Comyns on the shelves, and thought it must be A Sign because I had never seen her books here before. A whole shelf of just Persephone Books, in MY COUNTRY not to mention my city? It seems like a miracle. It was something I didn't think was realistic. Just like that whole damned bookstore, just like seeing Barbara Comyns stocked there, just like the chance to work there... it was just never realistic.

At the moment, I happen to be reading Amelia's Intrigue by Judith A. Lansdowne. It's sweet, gentle, cosy, funny and endearing. A perfect comfort reading. It's also out of print so Spinebreaker can never stock it, so there. I'm enjoying it.

When I was bringing myself back into reading I picked up books that would never be stocked at Spinebreaker, or so I thought. Books the owner couldn't get, books that were out of print, and books that were independently published or books she doesn't want to put on her shelves. I got to read some amazing indie books by friends on DW. I also bounced off quite a few books that are made for the indie market but not made for me, just not the sorts of books I enjoy.

The thing is, I imprinted so hard on Spinebreaker because of the books in it. I identified with it so hard because of how it's curated. This means that a book that is stocked there is highly likely to be a book I'll enjoy and a book that's not stocked there is not likely to be a book I'll enjoy. That sucks. But it is what it is.

I have to be okay reading books that are also stocked in Spinebreaker. I have to enjoy them without pausing for pain. I have to get to that point, and I guess I'm frustrated that I'm not there, that I've not healed completely so that there's no chance of feeling all that hurt all over again. It's also the kind of thing that very few of my friends IRL understand, because it just seems trivial to them, like they don't understand why it's been affecting me so much. So I'm glad I can journal about it here.

I'm touched that Sre thought of me when she saw the sorts of books I love, so I don't resent her bringing this up. I would have found out eventually. Because most people I know, including my closest friends, go there regularly and they have talked about the books they've gotten there without me feeling like this because those were books that were accessible otherwise as well, and available elsewhere. But I bet I would have heard about these at some point.

Sre said she could take me to Spinebreaker when she's in my city, if it would help me if she's there. I thanked her and told her I'd rather not go as I don't feel welcome there. I mean, the owner blocked me, lol. She said that instead she could go buy me a Persephone Book from there, but I really don't want to give Spinebreaker any money. Since all of the authors of Persephone Books are dead, I'll pirate them if I can't access them any other way. I love the publisher though and will buy their ebooks when possible; they don't publish most of their books as ebooks, which I think is a pity, but they do have a few in ebook format. I bought Diana Tutton's Guard Your Daughters that way, and of course they've made Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day by Winifred Watson available as an ebook, since it's their star title.

Entry tags:

What I'm Reading: Hello Darkness, vol. 1 (2025)

( You're about to view content that the journal owner has advised should be viewed with discretion. )

Entry tags:

cat: vidding

Premiere: Is There Anybody Out There?

I did, in fact, make a premiere for

vidukon_cardiff! Despite moving internationally. (I have, alas, been kind of busy after it as well, and my commute is horrible by my standards now, but I'll make a post about my experience ... later this month!) Here's the vid:

Watch on YouTube

I also spoke on the Premieres Timeline Show & Tell panel, hosted by

marah_sarie! I revealed that, due to this whole "moving internationally" thing, I had not had the time to make a vid, and a week before the deadline, I was feeling a bit :( about it. I went through the short songs in my music library but wasn't feeling very inspired, so on the Sunday, I decided to give up and instead add song length information to my giant music spreadsheet. Then, when I got to B, I came across a song where I'd already had a concept for a Rey vid back in 2023 (back when all I knew of the OT and ST was through osmosis, lol) and, as I already had all the clips, I decided I'd be doing that. I've lost the planning post-it, but on Tuesday evening, I wrote down something roughly like this:

intro - Order 66
verse 1 - Rey alone on Jakku
bridge 1 - Rey in the outpost on Jakku
chorus 1 - Finn can't train her
verse 2 - Luke won't train her
bridge 2 - temptation of Kylo
chorus 2 - Kylo won't train her
instrumental - Leia dies on her
chorus 3 - Palpatine won'ẗ train her

( more talk, incl. on the miracle of clipping )

In retrospect, there are a few places where I would like to adjust the timing or add an extra clip to make the tempo of the edits better match the tempo of the music, but, well. I did accidentally play myself into making a vid album (Beyond the Black, self-titled album) so this can be the single version and the album version can be a bit tweaked.

(Also, the album includes a Game of Thrones fansong. halp wtf am I supposed to do with that)

Entry tags:

Conclave made me do it

Cover for Sophie Clark's Cruel is the Light

I first got interested in Sophie Clark's "Cruel is the Light" because the cover is really pretty (art by Mona Finden, art direction by Ben Hughes). I wasn't going to read it because while the marketing said "enemies to lovers" the summary wasn't sound "enemy-ing" enough.

Then the Pope died.

And I thought I'd read a book sent mostly in Rome because I had no idea what to read next, fiction-wise.

Cruel is the Light is... Fine. It's fine. It indeed isn't enemies to lovers, it's more rivals to lovers forbidden love fake dating. The love story isn't unbelievable, anymore than any two week love story is. I guessed both that

from the summary

Jules was a demon

and

from early in the book

the Vatican's god was a demon

but not how those two tied together. There's one image I really liked and might draw at some point, idk. The demon/exorcist worldbuilding reminded me of the manga Claymore. Anyway. I don't regret reading it, but I wasn't going to read the sequel. I'd give it a 13/20. (Disclaimer: I read something like half of it while stuck on a stopped train.)

Then the Pope died.

Ok, in the book he's "Exorcist Primus". Point is they're going to be doing X-Treme Conclave next book and I am intrigued.

Entry tags:

boring ranting about books

(no subject)

The Sicilian Inheritance by Jo Piazza

I wasn't quite sure what this book wanted to be, it was doing three genres of middlebrow novel all at once and not quite pulling any of them off, but in the end I was not too unhappy to have kept with it.

Sara Marsala, our heroine, is the daughter of a messy Italian-American family. She is dealing with a divorce, the failure of her restaurant, and a general sense of failure and helplessness. When her beloved aunt dies, her aunt's will sends her back to the Old Country of rural Sicily, to Find Her Roots and see if an old deed for a plot of land in Sicily, passed down from her great-grandmother who never made it to America, is still valid. When she arrives in Sicily she is informed that her great grandmother was Murdered, contradicting family lote, and the plot is afoot.

The book tries to be a historical fiction novel about life in early 20th century Sicily, an action packed murder mystery, and an eat pray love European adventure, and the three visions of the book war with each other, not helped by lazy plotting with unjustified expository leaps obscuring story details I wanted to see fleshed out.

But it's the wanted to see fleshed out that frustrated me, because the story concept works and there are some really great characters both in the historical flashbacks and the modern narrative and I really was hoping that things would get worked out with just a bit more craft.

Entry tags:

REC: Untitled Ouizzy Neighbor AU Gifset by emilee (Our Flag Means Death, Frenchie/Izzy Hands)

Fandom 50 #20

Untitled Ouizzy Neighbor AU by

derekstilinski
Fandom: Our Flag Means Death
Relationship: Frenchie/Izzy Hands
Medium: Gifset
Length: 3 gifs
Rating: SFW
My Bookmark Tags: romance, happy ending, getting together, constructed reality, au: modern, domesticity, nature

Description:

In the first gif, Izzy wanders out into a field and happens upon Frenchie, who's sitting alone and obviously having a bad time alone with his thoughts. In the second, the two men are each in their houses, looking out the window at each other's places. In the third, they've finally come together, Frenchie handing a wary Izzy a cup of tea.

I am such a sucker for constructed reality graphics and vids, and all the ways a little tactical harnessing of the Kuleshov effect can bring us the crossovers, AUs, and visual adaptations we crave. I've got a few from this same creator to rec, but I'm starting with this Neighbor AU that imagines a modern day Frenchie and Izzy living next door to each other in the country and catching each other's eye.

First off, I just love how it's put together, from the progression of running into each other by chance, then scoping out each other from their houses, to finally coming together for tea. But I also love how the choice of sources colours the story being told here. I'm pretty sure the Con O'Neill clips are from Vengeance Is Mine and the Joel Fry ones are from In the Earth. These are both harrowing movies where the actual characters are going through some awful things. I appreciate how those scenes get recontextualized here into something cozier that nonetheless paints a picture of both characters having gone through some rough times.

You can easily imagine that this modern Frenchie has just as many terrible things locked up in that little box in his head as his 18th century counterpart had, and that this Izzy has just been through an emotionally and/or physically traumatic breakup with Ed, and now here they are, a little bruised and cautious but finding some potential comfort and love in their own backyard.

Entry tags:

multifandom questionnaire

multifandom questionnaire pt 2

This is the second part of the questions from the 72 Multifandom questions to ask a fangirl.

Fandom Participation:

1. Do you keep up with any official or fan-authored wikis or encyclopedias about your fandom?
I don't think so. I've definitely used them as resources when I want to write fic and I don't remember specific details or if I want to find out more about, say, DC fandom/characters when I was writing Smallville fic.

#2-12

2. How do you stay updated with the latest news and information concerning your fandom?
I follow people who share my fandom on Tumblr and figure out things from others who post what is going on. Also sometimes, I follow the cast on IG and see if they post anything. Before, I used to be more active in reading fansites and the like, and take more of an initiative in posting news I find as well, but now I tend to take more of a relaxed stance. If I get really curious, I will look into things myself.

3. Are there any forums, social media groups, or online communities you frequent to discuss your fandom?
Back with Smallville, it was Livejournal. There were a lot of ship and fandom specific communities but mainly my journal and the journal of friends. Also, I used to go to some sites, like Divine Intervention, which was a Clois fansite. I was mostly a lurker at Kryptonsite.

These days, it's mainly Tumblr. I'm active on here, but I don't know how much I actively discuss fandoms. Not a fraction as much as I used to do on LJ for sure. I'm on Discord as well, but I tend to prefer one on one conversations. With servers, I tend to lurk more than actively participate.

4. How would you describe the overall atmosphere and culture within the fan community?
Good, as long as you know how to curate your experience. There are ups and downs to every type of fandom. There's drama and fighting, no matter how big or small the fandom is - it's just the type of fighting feels differently and I imagine it's more frustrating when you start out with fewer people and you have to block or worry about cliques since there is a chance of more overlap. It just depends what you want out of fandom and fortunately, there a lot of tools to help make it more pleasant and fun (blocking/muting/etc), which it should be.

5. Have you attended any fan conventions or meet-ups? If so, what was your experience like?
No, I used to want to, but I didn't want to go alone and since I've always tried to keep my online and real life separate, I didn't have anyone to go with.

6. What’s the significance of fan art, fan fiction, or fan videos in your community?
Really significant. I came to be part of fandom because of fanfiction - I had been reading it for years and then I eventually started writing. I started out writing for a very small ship in a big fandom and over the years, I've shipped bigger ships in bigger fandoms (MCU namely and I was able to see Sam/Bucky really grow into something bigger, which was nice). Now my main fandom is pretty big/active and there is a lot of content of all the above. I love looking at fanart and fan videos, though I do feel like I used to watch the latter more in the past. It seems a bit harder to find these days, unless you specifically search it out but the one way the algorithm on YouTube was useful is that if I find one I like, it starts to give me more so I have found some great creators that I wouldn't have otherwise, since I wasn't sure where to look.

7. Are there any charity or social causes your fandom community supports?
Currently, I've seen people participate in the Fandom Trumps Hate, which is obviously multifandom, and also, I think there's a 911forGaza one too.

8. How do fan theories or headcanons contribute to your enjoyment of the fandom?
As with fandom as a whole, there's good and bad. I like reading about other people's theories and headcanons and I enjoy coming up with my own. It's a fun surprise when you can theorize and speculate and end up being right - it has happened a couple of times over the years. However it is frustrating when a certain headcanon or theory can spread and take over and gets treated like canon. Sometimes, it's just mildly annoying because it's hard to avoid and others, when the fans get entitled and throw tantrums when they're not getting what they feel like they "deserve" or something happens that goes against their theory, it's downright frustrating.

9. Are there any rituals or annual events that your fandom community participates in each year?
There were plenty of ship specific events - I remember there being exchanges and the like for Clark/Lois in Smallville (and other ships but I can't tell you about those), both on a now deleted community and the fansite. Also there were Smallville fanfic awards with ship and general categories but that was in the later years. With my current fandom, I've seen annual events on Tumblr. Character/ship/theme specific weeks and a summer ship event that people are into. I haven't actually made anything for them yet but I'm still fairly new to 9-1-1 and am not yet comfortable with doing more than lurking.

10. What is the craziest or most dedicated thing you’ve done for your fandom(s)?
I don't think I've done anything too crazy. Online, I've ran communities and an exchange. Ran to the store to get a copy of the TV Guide that had Tom Welling & Erica Durance on it. Did the whole midnight bookstore visit to get my copy of the 7th HP book. Just fun stuff like that. Nothing too wild, or at least nothing I can think of.

11. Have you created any content or resources that have contributed to the fan community?
I've written fic and in the past few years, made some icons. Earlier on, back in Smallville fandom, since the ship I was writing for was so small and didn't have many other people writing for it, I did make a list of Clark/Oliver ships that I could link people when they expressed interest in the ship and didn't know where to find fic. I hope it helped.

12. Are there any well-known fan community leaders or content creators that you admire?
There are lot of great writers and vidders whose worsk I enjoy and subscribe to but I can't say I'm aware these days of who is "big" in fandom. Obviously you can tell by AO3 stats and who does numbers on Tumblr but I don't pay attention to that.

Current Mood: distressed

Entry tags:

Update on RL, mostly downer so feel free to skip

Just a few updates, feel free to skip as usual (maybe just writing it down will help some).

( Updates... )( Updates... )

( Updates with political and mental health stuff... )

I do have a couple of ideas for drabbles... maybe I'll manage to write one or two after all...

Entry tags:

fandom: mcu (marvel cinematic universe)

"We don't trade lives" sure, man

I was rewatching Avengers: Infinity War and it, again, struck me how bloody hypocritical Steve's "we don't trade lives" line(s) is. Friend. Pal. Bro. My man. Do you really think no Wakandan is gonna die fighting Thanos' armies. Like. Get a fucking grip, omg.

Entry tags:

Six Sentence Sunday

( You're about to view content that the journal owner has advised should be viewed with discretion. )